The "Ick" Factor: Why We’re Too Quick to Judge in Dating
Navigating the Fine Line Between Pettiness and Relationship Potential
They chewed too loudly. They wore mismatched socks. They texted "lol" too much. And just like that, you’re out. No second date. No reconsideration. It’s called the ick, and it’s running wild in modern dating.
According to a survey by dating app Badoo, 82% of its users have experienced 'the ick,' and 78% have even ended a relationship because of it. That’s a huge number of people walking away over things that might not matter in the long run. Sure, some behaviors are true dealbreakers—but what about the rest? Are we sabotaging our chances at love over trivial annoyances?
Let’s dig into why “the ick” is dominating modern dating, how it’s shaping our attitudes toward relationships, and what we can do to stop it from sabotaging our chances at real connection.
The Rise of "The Ick"
It didn’t always have a name, but "the ick" has been around for ages. The difference now? Social media has turned it into a buzzword—and a trend. Popularized by shows like Love Island, the term exploded online. TikTok alone boasts thousands of videos where people detail their “icks,” from how someone eats to how they dress.
While it might seem funny or harmless to laugh about these quirks, psychologist Sanna Balsari-Palsule warns that the overuse of “the ick” can foster hyper-critical attitudes in dating. Instead of seeing a potential partner as a whole person, we zoom in on their smallest flaws—and we’re often too quick to dismiss them.
But why are we doing this? Dating apps may be partially to blame. With an endless pool of potential matches just a swipe away, we’ve been conditioned to seek perfection—a mindset that feeds directly into the rise of 'the ick.' If one person doesn’t check every box, there’s always another match waiting. This convenience creates what Time magazine describes as a “culture of disposability” in dating.
What’s the Real Problem Here?
We all have personal preferences and limits—that’s normal. But “the ick” goes beyond that. It’s become a catch-all excuse to avoid vulnerability, intimacy, or the work of building a relationship.
Here’s a thought: Is it really the obscure hobby, the texting, or the socks? Or is it something deeper, like fear of rejection or commitment? Many times, our “icks” are a way to protect ourselves from emotional risk.
And when we’re constantly looking for flaws, we stop seeing the good stuff. In fact, Dr. Mark Travers suggests that focusing on minor annoyances may make us blind to someone’s positive qualities. This mindset can trap us in a cycle of failed connections—always seeking, never finding.
How to Reclaim Your Dating Life From “The Ick”
The good news? You don’t have to let “the ick” rule your love life. With a little self-awareness and effort, you can break free from its grip and open the door to deeper, more meaningful relationships.
1. Pause and Reflect
Before you write someone off, take a moment to ask yourself: Is this truly a dealbreaker? Or is it a knee-jerk reaction to something trivial?
Reflecting on your feelings when you experience “the ick” can help you understand why it bothers you and whether it’s tied to something deeper, like personal insecurities or past experiences. Journaling or talking it through with a trusted friend can provide clarity and perspective. Often, this process helps you realize that your reaction might have more to do with personal insecurities than with the other person’s behavior.
2. Shift Your Focus
It’s easy to get stuck on the negatives. Instead, try listing three things you like about your date for every one thing that bothers you. This “positivity ratio” technique, popularized by psychologist Barbara Fredrickson in her book, Positivity, highlights the power of cultivating more positive emotions than negative ones in life. While not originally applied to dating, the principle can help reframe your mindset and remind you why you were interested in the first place.
3. Embrace Imperfection
Nobody is perfect—not even you. (Yes, really.) Rather than seeing quirks as reasons to flee, consider them part of what makes someone unique. Research from Western University in Canada suggests that the quality of the relationship partners build together is a significant predictor of long-term happiness, surpassing individual traits. Embracing each other’s imperfections and working together fosters deeper connection and satisfaction.
4. Communicate Honestly
If the behavior that triggered “the ick” genuinely bothers you, talk about it. Approaching the topic with kindness and curiosity can lead to surprising solutions. For example, if they interrupt you often, you could say, “I love hearing your thoughts, but I feel more connected when we both take turns speaking.”
5. Challenge Your Own Biases
Why does it bother you so much if they sing the wrong lyrics to a popular song? Is it because of societal expectations, past experiences, or something else entirely? By questioning your reactions, you can uncover hidden biases and let go of unnecessary judgments.
6. Get a Second Opinion
Sometimes, we need a fresh perspective. If you’re unsure whether your “ick” is valid or overblown, share it with a trusted friend. They might help you see the situation differently—or give you the reality check you need.
When “The Ick” Is Actually a Dealbreaker
To be clear, not all “icks” are created equal. Some behaviors—like disrespect, dishonesty, or incompatibility in core values—are legitimate reasons to end a relationship. But these aren’t “icks.” They’re red flags.
Learning to distinguish between a true dealbreaker and a minor annoyance is key. Start by reflecting on whether the behavior in question is something that genuinely clashes with your values or long-term needs. Ask yourself, "Can I live with this trait in a partner?" If the answer is yes, it’s likely just an "ick" and not a dealbreaker. Talking it over with a friend can also provide perspective—sometimes, an outside view helps you recognize when you're being too critical. As dating expert Logan Ury explains, focusing on the “big picture” rather than nitpicking can help you find a partner who’s a great match in the ways that matter most.
Why This Matters for You
When we let “the ick” dominate our dating lives, we limit our chances of finding real connection. Relationships are about so much more than how someone dresses or how many emojis they use. They’re about shared passions, mutual respect, and growing together through life’s messiness.
At Capy, we’re all about helping people focus on what truly matters in dating—those deeper qualities that create lasting bonds. Whether it’s connecting over a shared cause or tackling a Do Good Date together, we want to help you break free from superficiality and embrace meaningful connections.
Take the Leap
Here’s the bottom line: You’ll never find a perfect partner because perfection doesn’t exist. But you can find someone whose imperfections fit perfectly with yours—if you’re willing to look past “the ick” and give them a chance.
So, the next time you feel an “ick” creeping in, take a breath. Reflect. Focus on the big picture. And who knows? That tiny annoyance might just turn into a funny memory you laugh about together down the road.
Curious about dating in a way that prioritizes authenticity over superficiality? Check out Capy—it’s where real connections happen, quirks and all.